Hi! So my chosen title of this post is a little more ambiguous than I guess it could first seem. Yes, I’m Vanessa; Ness to most people I meet in life. And much of the time just recently I do feel crazy. Crazy about my family, crazy for pralines and cream ice cream and not quite so crazy about my job. To top off my cupcake of craziness I have mental health issues. I’m fortunate, I don’t have issues as severe or challenging as some people, but I do need medicating from time to time. This is one of those times.
I have such a good life. I should say that to start with, to remind myself more than anything really. It’s this fact that makes my tiny yet gargantuan problems seem so pathetic to me, I mean life is genuinely good. I have three girls with beautiful souls and cute faces. I have a supportive, kind and generous partner who truly loves me and who has stood by my side for over 13 years. We rent a fairly okay house in a location considered ‘Prime’ with food in the cupboards and we both recently learned to drive. We even have a cheap old car. We both work part time, earning enough to tread water and still have equal time with our girls whilst not needing to rely on childcare. Throw the pets into the mix and I’ve got it made, right?
Why then, have I suffered several relapses of depression over the years? Why the ‘stressed’ diagnosis I’ve had in the past? ( I hate that one.. everyone is stressed from time to time, aren’t they?). Why am I currently being treated for anxiety disorders? I cant make sense of it all in my head and the more I try, the more everything jumbles up. It could be said that I’m searching for perfection and struggling with my mediocre achievements, but I don’t see it myself. I’m not an especially material person, I don’t need ‘things’ to be happy. Maybe it’s because my Mum died in 2010? Hmmm…. that was a catalyst for an episode it’s true, but I moved on from that period. I miss her and it hurts but in a good way (if there ever was one), in a normal ‘pang’ of emotion that evokes joy as much as sadness. I’d struggled periodically for years before then so I can’t say that’s the whole problem. Periodically…. like SAD? I’m not convinced. I’ve had harder times over winter and my mood has frequently been notably lower over the winters but I wouldnt say that I behave out of the ordinary there either. My dark childhood? OK, that wasn’t peachy but nothing like some children endure. No where near. So where does it come from? Genetics maybe? There have been a few cases of mental health issues in my family – ranging from mild depressions to schizophrenia amongst other problems. I can’t really say much about that. I’ve very little knowledge about the science in it. Maybe my physical poor health has marred me? This I could see as being a reason. With UAT and PCOS hormone imbalances are common – with symptoms often mistaken for mental health issues and vice versa. This could be a plausible explanation. Could enviromental conditioning be a catalyst too? Seeing issues around me and having them ‘rub off’. Seems unlikely to me, I’m not that kind of person, I don’t consider myself impressionable – not to that degree anyhow. I like logic. Logic and answers and proofs give me comfort; calms my mind and means I’ve spent so many wasted hours trying to understand my mental health and how to get control of myself.
It’s time for me to focus on the good in life, learn to drift over the bad and learn from myself. Time to become my own therapist and hopefully move forward from this period in my life with the tools to live the rest of my life calm, content and fear free.