I can’t win for losing. Work is a simple job where I have no authority yet am working overnight in an empty office, in an empty building for the most part. I arrive ten minutes late with permission and stick around well past my finishing time for free almost every night. My job is alright, I enjoy it for the most part but I find it very stressful at times and I’m not really sure why. Today I tried to do the right thing and compensate a driver for a mess yesterday. I thought I was doing the right thing, yet within no time at I get call from the second in command. They seemed appeased by my logic and reminded me to continue toward being ‘fair’. Okay, great… I’ve always thought myself fair in my job, always thought I was balancing things as best I can so to continue is easy. Maybe I didn’t seem to take his words serious enough. Or maybe those words weren’t forceful enough because a very short time later I get a call from the top boss. Joy. Sometimes I feel as though I may as well just not be here. But the problem then lies in finding a job where I am wanted, or at the least needed. The social anxiety mean that the chance of me making it to the end of an interview whilst keeping my shit together is slim, then there’s the actual job. While I may be competent within a new position I worry about the people and if I could cope with them and the stress my fear would inflict? When I stop to think about it I am relatively happy in my job, my boss has kept me despite the obvious need and he’s not a bad person. I do really struggle with my feelings of inadequacy, my feelings of being disposable and my fear of failure though. 

Advertisements