Today I’m trying something new. I’m actually sat at work right now, logged in from the office PC (I shouldn’t be. I’m breaking unwritten rules). I can’t sit still, I can’t calm down. This post is more of an experiment more than anything else. Maybe typing into the ether will calm the incessant finger tapping and fidget cube twirling that I’ve been doing for a solid hour and half. Maybe typing will allow my brain to relax enough to stop me bouncing me knee; something else I’ve been doing for a while now too. Maybe typing to nobody will calm the anxiety that I can still feel building up, getting more intense despite doubling up on my beta blockers. Maybe this page of typing will just purely give me something to look back on when I’m calmer and more collected, an insight into my own mind if you please. Its not that I’m not aware of whats happening to me right now but when I’m shrouded by this cloud it can be difficult to retain information that I can reflect on later. I can already see that I’m struggling to type more than a few words in a sentence, which is much like how I’ve been speaking. Short, direct and very quick bursts of words. I can hear the words leaving my mouth, I know how these sentences would sound if I was spilling them out instead of allowing my fingers to ‘talk’ for me. The familiar crawling feeling through my skin is as strong as ever right now. It’s spread from my skin to being a wiry expansion of rawness emanating through my gut. My arms itch, I feel sick and I just want it to stop.
I have no idea at all what brought this on, its been building for a few days and it sucks…….
…………… OK. The extra beta blockers are kicking in. my leg has stopped bouncing, my typing has slowed, my speech has slowed and quietened. the radio volume has crept down and stayed down. My head is pounding now though, from all this tension build up and I’m acutely aware that I’ve been clenching my jaw. I don’t have an urgency to get up and jig about now and I’ve even stopped randomly and viciously shaking my hands. my skin has stopped itching but it is still crawling and right now I very much want to nap – as though I’ve just had an anxiety attack. Maybe this was sitting on the verge of an attack, maybe thats why I feel deflated and tired now the meds have taken the edge off. I dont fully understand this myself and this frustrates me so much. Sigh. I wont delete this. I’ll post it anyway – in its random, raw uffish state. (Lewis Carroll penned the perfect word for this feeling; uffish. I need to remember this). Maybe it’ll help me, maybe not. maybe next time I’m wired I’ll write again, maybe I cant use this to help myself. Who knows? I sure as hell don’t.